Fear, Pain, and Moving Forward

Yesterday on my “Facebook Memories” I was reminded that a few years ago I posted “You can’t breathe in all that life has to offer if you’re holding your breath in fear.” And it’s so true. I think I’ve been holding my breath since Wednesday morning when my full-time position at StellarWP was eliminated and I was out of a job.

Today I started breathing again.

Not because I suddenly have a job again (I don’t). Not because I even have any interviews scheduled (none yet). Heck, I still need to update my résumé. I started breathing again because life is too good to miss out because I’m in pain. Or fearful. Or sad. Or any of the feelings I’ve experienced in the last month – or even year. The truth is that loss is something we experience over and over in life. And it’s a feeling that becomes familiar – if still unwelcome.

Two weeks ago I boarded a plane to Manila, Philippines alone. My first experience traveling internationally without a travel buddy. And it was terrifying. But I did it! I definitely had help along the way (looking specifically at you, Mark Westguard, Samah Nasr, and Oneal Rosero). It seemed that life was conspiring to spin me into the most fervent travel anxiety I’d ever experienced – both to and from WordCamp Asia. BUT…I prevailed. I persisted in advocating for myself, and I found my needs being met. I advocated with kindness at the center of all I did, and I managed a trip halfway around the world and back.

And when I got to my car…the battery was dead. But I plan ahead for these kinds of things and have a jumper kit that worked and got me back on the road. This weekend Jeff Betancourt picked up my car and took it to get the battery replaced. Now I have transportation again. (Whew!)

I’ve learned a great deal in the last few weeks.

Negativity has no place in my life.

I received an anonymous email through my website telling me that he “hoped I was working on my weight.” I posted it on X. I could feel shamed. I could curl inside myself and be afraid of going out. But as I’ve stated before – I refuse to apologize for taking up space in the world. And commenting on someone’s weight should only be done by their doctor.

Why did I post it? Because others need to know what kinds of things underrepresented people face – including criticism, disdain, and even hate. That’s part of what we do on Underrepresented in Tech, and it’s part of the fiber of who I am now.

This community has my back.

From help with my scooter into and out of ride-sharing, to folks who carried my food plates to tables, to community members making sure I can be seen in group photos, to a best friend who helped me take care of my car – the people in WordPress have shown up for me again and again.

Loss hurts, but it’s a place we can grow from.

Three weeks ago I held my smallest cat while she took her last breath. I was devastated. And I worried about my remaining cat becoming despondent. But instead, she has slowed her eating, spent more time in my lap, gotten sick less, and become more affectionate to me. Sometimes loss makes room for more good things once we learn to see and embrace them.

Taking time to grieve is necessary.

I won’t sugarcoat it – I’ve cried a lot since Wednesday.

They say that some of the greatest stresses in life include both good and bad things. And I’ve experienced the whole list.

• Death of a loved one
• Divorce or separation
• Job loss
• Major illness or injury
• Marriage
• Birth of a child

No matter the tears, no matter the anxiety or depression, no matter the fear, one thing holds true for each of those things – I survived them, worked through them, and I’m still here.

I’m not saying there won’t be more tears (if you’ve met me, you know that tears are part of who I am). I am saying that even though I don’t know what direction I’m heading in now, there will be a direction. And I will keep moving forward.

Embracing the good things is very important.

So many amazing things happened in Manila (and even before), that I refuse to have them overshadowed by one bad thing.

• I met Jocele Batapa-Sigue, the Undersecretary for Informations and Communications Technology Industry Development of the Philippines, who thanked me for traveling there, and presented me with a beautiful necklace of Philippine art.
• Nicholas Papp greeted me with gifts and ideas and we created some content together.
• Subhasis Chatterjee published a book, Silent Stars, that featured chapters on Taco Verdonschot and me!
• I took lots of selfies with many WordCampers, and raised almost $1,000 to help support underrepresented speakers and organizers to future WordCamps.
• I participated in a panel on AI with some amazing colleagues.
• I received some amazing chai sent to me from Parth Pandya of KrishaWeb. (Yes, Parth, I promise to make it with milk, not water.)
• I hugged children.
• I met new people and made new friends.
• I was inspired to do some new things. (I’ll save those for a future post.)
• I spent time with a community I love.
• I was asked to speak at Women WordPress Day 2025 Kolkata.
• I’m speaking at the Women in Tech Global Conference.
• I’m attending PressConf.

Moving Forward: What comes next?

Honestly, I don’t know. But I have some time to figure that out.

In the meantime, I will continue working to keep Post Status the great community it is, publish some long-overdue recorded podcasts, do some writing, work on a few projects, and keep breathing in all that life has to offer.