A couple of years ago I posted a story here called Misogyny in WordPress is Real. And it is. Still. It’s pervasive throughout all of tech, where men still hold the majority of power.
On a weekly basis I get between 5-10 men “sliding into” my DMs. Usually it’s basic bot-like stuff. And a lot of the time it’s an account made to look like someone famous or at least “reliable.” I’ve been DM’d by fake Keanu Reeves, fake Idris Elba, fake Jeremy Renner, fake Gabriel Macht, fake Johnny Depp, other fake celebrities, fake military brass, and fake heads of foreign states – to name a few. Those are easy to spot, block, and move on from.
But sometimes the call is coming from inside the house. Meaning that people IN the WordPress space (or at least pretending to be) start conversations innocently enough – asking about job postings and other opportunities I might know about.
But then the innocence turns predatory.
(Click image below to view larger in a new tab.)
While to some this conversation may seem innocuous, if the whole conversation was to be screenshot, it would take a lot more space to show it. Even when I said “No” in different ways and over and again, the person persists in telling me that they, at 25 years old, can provide “excitment” and more than a man my age or older can. And that I need their “romance and flirting” in my life.
Now, before you tell me to block and move on (and yes, I did that), I already do that 99% of the time. And usually sooner and without even replying. However, I really do think it’s important to back up what I tell people happens (frequently) with evidence: that men can be very predatory on the web toward women. And while this instance (above) is merely annoying, there have been times for me and other women when it has turned dangerous.
Nationwide, 81% of women and 43% of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime.
Kearl 2018
“Not all men.” 🤦🏻♀️
Before you comment on this blog post “not all men.” We know. Before you comment that “something like this” happens to men, too. We know. And we also know it’s different. (See statistic above.) And this post isn’t to deny any lived experiences that men have had. And it’s not a “man hating” post. But it IS intended to be educational and provide evidence to those who have never experienced it as to what it looks like and how it makes so many of us feel.
And it’s an admonishment to those who practice this behavior to stop it, and those who don’t to help hold accountable those who do.
So I tweeted about it.
A simple tweet to ask that it stop.
It seems a reasonable thing to ask, right? And so many people have supported it. Except one (so far, anyway).
Imagine being so ingrained in how you perceive life as to attempt to deny (and dare I say even mansplain a bit), that it’s okay to approach women in their DMs like this?
People don’t like random self promotions or being romantically pursued by a random stranger via DMs, ESPECIALLY if it’s obviously a professional account… It’s especially off-putting when it’s some person you’ve never spoken to/heard of, and they pop up in your DMs. Ick.
Provided under anonymity
The person I was speaking to who consented to quote her, also reminded me that for many of us, DMing us is like entering a private space with us. No one else is witnessing it. You didn’t just wave to us publicly (by tweeting/posting to us), but instead chose to enter a space that we maintain for professional communications. Hitting on us in this way feels like breaking the sanctity of our online personal space.
Another person, again wanting to remain anonymous also chimed in.
Additionally, unsolicited advances can make women feel uncomfortable and unsafe online. Respectful communication means understanding boundaries and consent, not pushing personal interest onto others.
We need to foster a culture of mutual respect and professionalism in online interactions, rather than perpetuating behaviors that can lead to harassment and discomfort.
Constantly being approached inappropriately can make it difficult for women to fully engage in professional or social spaces online without feeling wary or harassed.
Provided under anonymity
And if you’re wondering why both of these women chose to stay anonymous, it’s because they didn’t want to open themselves up to online drama or attack. Let that sink in.
Allies
Now, back to the “not all men” argument. Do you know how we know it’s not all men? Because some of you are absolute gems who will not only agree with us, but tell others how not to behave. You don’t try to swoop in like a knight for women in distress, but you back us up and stand beside us when we fall under attack.
And to you, I say thank you.
How to interact with women online
Finally, let me leave you with some advice.
Remember that professional social outlets (for most of us women in tech this includes the big three: LinkedIn, Twitter/X, and Facebook), we welcome professional conversations. We would love to be invited on a podcast. Or asked our opinion on tech subjects. Feel free, if our DMs are open, to message us politely about opportunities. We welcome that.
But remember that Twitter isn’t Tinder. Facebook isn’t e-Harmony. And LinkedIn isn’t Bumble.
Be respectful. And when we tell you no – accept it and move on.
